The Sky is Falling
Yesterday Donald Trump advised that he is considering declaring a national emergency for what appears to be chunks of sky falling on uninhabited regions of the United States. ‘If we do not act now,’ the President warned, ‘very huge sections of the stratosphere will hurtle down and destroy our cities. No president before or after me has ever been confronted by an emergency of this magnitude.’
National Guard were diverted from wall building on the southern border to various undisclosed locations to begin the immediate construction of domed shelters in case the sky begins to fall on populated regions of the country. Democrats demanded proof of ‘sky debris’, but the Senate rejected the request, citing grave national emergency and the need for immediate response. ‘Look,’ Sen. McConnell told reporters at a hastily announced press conference, ‘we need to set aside our partisan differences and let the President do his job. Which is protecting the American People. All this talk of impeachment needs to stop immediately.’
Unverified reports of cloud chunks striking the suburbs of St. Louis reached the Capitol this morning as Fox News demanded Nancy Pelosi’s resignation for diverting attention from this existential crisis over ‘a hissy fit’. The White House directed Homeland Security to create a dedicated Sky Watch Department to be the watchdog for what it termed extraterrestrial menace. The President is rumored to be considering Sen. Lindsay Graham to head the newly formed agency, but Congress has stalemated over funding.
This morning the President, in a hastily called press conference, urged all Americans to stay calm. ‘We are very very extremely lucky we have me as Commander-in-Chief, not that know nothing Biden who couldn’t find an umbrella in a hailstorm, a very dim bulb I know for a fact, low IQ, probably has an aide dress him, cheap suit, a sad excuse for a suit really, if you know what I mean and I do. If the sky were falling on his watch, believe me, you’d dig a hole in the backyard and bury yourself. I know I would. The guy’s a total loser. A disaster of a human being. But I’m taking care of this personally. We’re not wasting time talking to fake scientists. If the sky is breaking up, who cares right now why? We need to get protection, not run around looking for reasons why it’s happening.
‘So I’m directing new manufacturing plants to be built across the country, a million jobs, good jobs, more jobs than have ever been created in the history of mankind. One hundred factories to produce helmets. Sky proof helmets, American made helmets. Not the kind like the NFL uses where these unpatriotic knee-takers take a hit in the head and end up with concussions and brain injuries. Not that anyone cares what happens to traitors who won’t stand during the National Anthem, believe me, nobody could care less than me. I’d have them locked up. Lock em up! Lock em up! They shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a football. Unless they play without a helmet, maybe then we’d let them play.’
When reached later for comment, newly appointed Sky Watch Director Graham told reporters from the fake news media he had not heard yet from the President, but White House staff had informed him Homeland Security had assurances from Trump himself that the situation was almost defused. ‘It’s a great relief,’ the Senator stated. ‘Another crisis handled almost before it started. Look up, all of you, the sky is still there. The clouds are still there. Is this a great President or what?’
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