The Skeeter Daddle Diaries

If you’re like me, and I bet you hope you’re not, you can scarcely keep up with the fast moving events in this witch hunt impeachment investigation. Seems like just yesterday we had that phone call with the Ukrainian president, Zorro or Zapruder or some Z, where Donald makes it clear there will be no military assistance to fight the Russians if he doesn’t get the goods on Biden and Biden’s kid. He figures, I guess, that the voters in 2020 will be so outraged over possible nepotism that they’ll re-elect him. Forget about the business dealings of Eric and Don Jr. all over the world. That’s totally different. They’re real biznessmen, that pair, bright as new pennies, no influence peddling on Daddy’s name, not with their brand of fiscal acumen.

And we won’t even mention emoluments or Jared and Ivanka. Good kids. Sharp, savvy, barely related to the President of the United States, surely not playing the Trump card for enterprises across the globe. But Biden, hoo boy, that Biden. What can you say? Benghazi maybe.

But no, there was no quid pro quo. No mention of that military assistance mandated by Congress. It was, if you recall, a perfect phone call. Perfect enough to sequester in a top secret data vault. But you can read the transcript, only slightly redacted, and imagine for yourself telephone perfection. Course, then came Rudy who admitted that yeah, they were asking for some help in our elections. Big deal, so what, it’s done all the time. Looking for corruption. Wanting a little help. You got a problem with that?

But of course Rudy turns out to be funneling money from foreign sources back into Trump’s election PACs, sort of illegal. A couple of his cronies were arrested fleeing the United States and now Rudy’s the target of the same investigation. Corruption, sometimes, is right up your nose. With a lawyer like Rudy, you don’t really need enemies. And now we have the spectacle of witnesses parading one after the other into the House Impeachment Investigation Hearings, pretty much incriminating the President for, yeah, quid pro quo. Not that you need it to prove a crime, asking for foreign assistance in the election should be enough.

Today Mulvaney said yeah, ok, there was a quid pro quo. Everybody does it, big deal, get over it. ‘Get over it’ was the part I liked best. Deny deny deny, attack attack attack attack, admit admit admit, then finally just turn the board over and say the game is over. What’re ya gonna do, impeach us? Sure, we’re crooks but everybody’s a crook. Everybody would do what we did. You’d be stupid not to.

Well, we wanted a so-called biznessman to run the country. What did you expect? Morality? Fair play? Adherence to some bullshit set of rules like the Constitution? C’mon, that’s an old playbook written by folks half of em you couldn’t name. You wanted change in the country. You wanted to tear down the government. You wanted to break some furniture. Okay, you got it. We can put the game board back on the table and play another round if you want. In a year we’ll get that chance. But the rules aren’t what you think and it’s definitely okay to cheat. Just not you.

Hits: 105

I did not have sex with that Ukrainian President! No wait, that was a Democratic President who was lying. This is different, fundamentally, different. We did not talk quid pro quo on that phone conversation. In fact it was a perfect phone conversation, perfect. So perfect we locked it up in the super secret Cone of Silence at the Deep State Data Bank Vault, but we have a transcript, not quite as perfect, mind you, but pretty perfect. You can judge for yourself that I’m innocent.

Well, okay, I did ask the comedian president, Zelenskiy, or Zorro or whatever his goofy name is, for some help cleaning up corruption in that shithole country he’s running. Sent Rudy right over there, see what’s what, get it cleared up before things get worse and they elect a clown for president. They got the goods on Biden and his kid. We just need to get them to dig a little, find something we can use before the 2020’s. You believe that guy, Sleepy Joe, using his name to get his kid a 50K a month gig on their oil board? Corruption! They both ought to be in jail. High crimes and treason.

So what if Little Adam Schitt has a whistle blower, fake news, third hand rumors, who cares? There was no quid pro quo, I only asked Zorro to look into Biden’s boy, big deal. What, another whistle blower? First hand information? There’s treason, you ask me … the guy ought to be outed and shot. Along with Shifty Schitt. So yeah, maybe I did put the chill on those weapons we promised Zorro to fight the Russians. Who, by the way, aren’t bad people if Putin was being honest with me and I think I know honesty when I hear it and I hear it louder than anyone ever has now or before. I hear it like a bell beat by a gong, a huge gong. It sounds great.

So I asked for a favor if he wanted those weapons. I admit it, big deal, who cares? That’s how we do business. Maybe you read my book, The Art of the Deal? I still have some copies you can buy. I’m the deal guy, the best, nobody like me since Kubla Khan, and I could take him with one hand behind my back. If I could reach that far ….

Trading influence for political gain? I don’t think so. Read the transcript. Perfect phone conversation, I won’t say too many times again. No, the real one is locked up. You’d just cherry pick it, twist it around, make me look like a crook. I’m not a crook, I’m a businessman, that’s why you morons elected me, time for a change. I just want to weed out corruption, nepotism, drain the swamp, make America Great Again. Go look at what Biden did, it’s a crime, a real felony, why pick on me? China, you listening? I’d take any help I can get. Give me a call. Rudy’s got a jet ready to roll.

Impeach me?? Who you kidding? Rick Perry is who you want. Made me call that Zorro guy. Now the coward has quit. Looks guilty as hell, quitting like that. Talk to him, I don’t know anything about it.

Hits: 81