The Skeeter Daddle Diaries

Finally, scientists have solved the mystery of those odd symptoms exhibited by our Cuban ambassadorial team, the headaches and migraines, dizziness and inability to concentrate, that ringing in the ears and general discombobulation. Neuroweapons. You heard me. Some kind of microwave blaster or space raygun focused on the embassy and wreaking havoc with our state department personnel down there. Those whacky commies, always up to something! Revenge, no doubt, for trying to assassinate Fidel.

But you know … and I do too … this may explain more than just our Cuban victims’ symptoms. Yes, Virginia, I’m sure you can see the obvious conclusion of these scientists’ theory plain as the ringing in your ears, loud as the flashes behind your glasses. The White House is being bombarded by neuroweapons!! These invisible emanations are disorienting our leaders, causing them to turn on one another, leaving them nearly insane with withering headaches and burning brains. What other possible explanation is there?

Neuro skull scramblers. It all makes sense now, doesn’t it? Those endless tweets after a night of no sleep and a microwaved mind. You wouldn’t trust anyone either after months of migraines left you with only the ability to watch Fox and Friends because anything more complex than that would tax your jumbled cerebral cortex beyond its ability to comprehend. Try reading the entire text of that New York Times op-ed tell-all and if you thought yesterday’s migraine was nuclear, just wait til the second paragraph!

The arms race has definitely taken a dark turn when a microwave oven can be turned into a delivery system for the enemy. We tried our own brand of heinous inventions to destroy the minds of prisoners of war without violating the Geneva Convention. When the Panamanian leader Gen Noriega holed up in the Vatican Embassy, we blasted him with non-stop Guns N Roses, Elvis, Judas Priest, Twisted Sister and even, God forgive us, Kiss. Non- stop, high decibel, repetitive. And when that didn’t work, they resorted to … yes, Brittany Spears. Ears bled, amigo, and if this isn’t torture, what is???

Neuroweaponry, the next stage. We now have the sad debacle of a White House babbling like chickens in a shitstorm, unable even to comprehend the attack, much less surrender. No one steps up to take credit. No terrorist group admits to this sort of inhumanity. We may never know if the Russians were behind this or if some loser sitting in his folks’ basement took a measure of revenge for his lack of a decent job. We do know this: none of us are safe. And there is no refuge. No doubt the Defense Department is stockpiling Brittany Spears. Destroying our President’s brain must be met with fire and fury, shock and awe. And if necessary, Barry Manilow and Madonna. The price to be paid for reducing our fearless Leader to a babbling imbecile needs to be grave, collateral damage be damned!!

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