The Skeeter Daddle Diaries

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I recently had a buddy who advocated that the government, rather than pay out trillions in Covid unemployment compensation and business relief, pay each of us 125,000 dollars to infect ourselves with the virus, thereby achieving herd immunity and sparing us further deficit spending. Basically the Administration is promoting the same idea. But without the 125,000 buck incentive.

Lately I’ve been feeling happily isolated from the Herd. Course, I don’t have kids sequestered at home learning their ABC’s from a laptop instructional video, we don’t have rent payments backing up like a plugged toilet, we aren’t worried about the jobs we lost or the jobs that aren’t coming back, we live in a part of the world where social distancing was pretty much the norm and our routine wasn’t disrupted greatly by the plague. If you offered me a quarter million dollars for the two of us to infect ourselves, I suspect I might have to turn it down. Not just because one or both of us might die or be greatly diminished by the virus, just that money seems like a poor incentive when we’re already living in a South End paradise.

It’s a grand thought experiment though. How many of us would take the money? I suspect quite a few, especially if you were younger. You got a couple kids, you could walk away with half a million. Not bad for snorting up a shot of covid. If you were old with underlying medical conditions, maybe the gamble would look like a sucker’s bet.

My buddy thinks this would save the economy. Sweden thought the same way. Nice try, Stockholm. Course, Sweden never quite reached herd immunity, just ratcheted up their mortality rate. But they didn’t have to pay anybody to catch the coronavirus. The reward was the right not to wear masks and drink in crowded bars. For a lot of Americans that would be incentive enough, forget the cash incentives, some big savings!

For the good of the herd! Try that as a slogan for the upcoming election. Probably about as rallying a cry as Wear Your Damn Mask, Dimwit!

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By now you probably realize that the world you thought you lived in is not the world you actually live in. You thought the Covid Plague was keeping you from what used to be normal, that it was ravaging across the land, killing tens of thousands, 186 thousand, but now you realize the Pandemic was defeated by the courageous and farsighted actions of the President you thought you disliked. In fact, the man you thought was selfish and cruel is actually very kind, maybe the most unselfish and most kind person in this country. You thought he was racist but then you must have noticed that people of color at his convention gave testimonials to the opposite. His kids tell wonderful stories of his wonderfulness. You think they would lie?

He is the Defender of law and order but you thought he was actually guilty of impeachable acts, you thought he was in violation of a prohibition to use the White House for political gain, you thought maybe he was using the office to enrich himself and his wonderful kids, you thought the military was enjoined from being used for photo ops and you thought the Post Office was doing an okay job. See? You aren’t living in the Real World. Those riots in some of our major cities, they’re the work of Joe Biden and his gang of radicals. Bet you thought the incivility was on Donald’s watch, didn’t you? That’s because your anger blinds you to the Truth. He will make our cities safe again when he’s re-elected. Although they’re the safest they’ve ever been, but he’ll make them safer again. That’s his promise to you.

And the economy? Best it’s ever been but next term it will be even better. Those millions of unemployed? Don’t worry your faux news-filled head over it. More jobs are on the way, better jobs, higher paying jobs, maybe enough money for all of you to invest in the stock market where the real moolah is. And when you get the real payoff, you’ll also get a tax break. That’s his promise. If you’re smart, you’ll start shopping now like there’s no tomorrow … although tomorrow will be even better than it is now.

Those coal jobs are coming back, North Korea will turn over their nuclear weapons, Isis is defeated, the Taliban are on the run, Covid is cured. Miracles happen, Virginia. Santa is real. And yes, he’s in the White House and Christmas is coming to America. Again and again. Make out your list. Trust him, you’ll get everything your heart desires. You just have to believe. And stop reading the news.

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