The Skeeter Daddle Diaries

You gotta love the promotional competitiveness of our fast fat food industries. I know I do. Whoppers, Big Macs, fries and 72 oz. Cokes, what’s not to like? Especially if you’re a diabetes doctor in the time of gluttony and morbid obesity. These folks are the new Tobacco industry, purveyors of disease and possibly early deaths, nothing, they’ll testify soon before congressional hearings, they knew anything about. Just selling the public what it demanded. Junk food.

They’ve paired up with the movie industry to sell Star Wars and Jurassic Park toys to the tots in their Happy Meal deals, they’ve got games and contests, they’ve spent billions to sell us fatty foods so we won’t have to bother cooking nutritious meals at home. Thank you, McDonalds! You’ve done about everything we could ask without bragging that your saturated fats make us smarter.

Course now Burger King has upped the ante. The Russian chains have offered any woman (or girl, I guess) 47,000 dollars plus all the burgers she can eat for the rest of her life if she can get herself impregnated by a World Cup soccer star. I missed the part of the deal that spells out whatever proof Burger King needs for the pregnancy. DNA tests, video recordings of the blessed insemination, soccer star autographs?

The athletes must have been inundated with offers over there in the land of the Tsar, maybe give them half their lifetime Whoppers for a night of Whoopee. I know, it sounds tempting to me too, but then again, I’m not a world class soccer star. But I can see the ad wars heating right up. Wendy’s offering lifetime chili for babies born from golf stars’ sperm, Taco Time countering with burritos AND hot sauce for the moms and the kids born from football star trysts (unless they had taken a knee during the Star Spangled, of course). McDonalds would have to up their ante with franchises in China for the lucky woman who seduced the NBA team that won that year’s championship. Sex and fries, babies and burgers! The kids born out of wedlock in this fast food competition will be the new stars themselves. We’re all winners, looks like to me. Or as McDonalds likes to say: I’m lovin it. Although not as good as the new Burger King slogan: She’s gettin some.

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