The Skeeter Daddle Diaries

Back in the good old days I used to enjoy the Stanwoodopolis Gazette’s letters to the editor when a couple of curmudgeonly right wingers would sound off almost every week with their loony rantings. Nowadays, of course, half the country is sounding off with internet trolling, whacky conspiracy theories, unhinged grievances and the megaphone of the insane. Occasionally, though, I find one that trumps the usual litany of the angry birds and this morning I read one that argued we do not need to reduce our carbon emissions.

The writer laid out his case by citing Cicero: “True Law is right reason in agreement with nature; it is of universal application, unchanging and everlasting.” Now you might be wondering how this applies to climate change, global warming and the existential threat they carry, but bear with me and our writer. Let’s bypass all the controversy over whether these are the result of human activity. Total waste of time. Because, you’ll see, True Law is photosynthesis. Plants need carbon dioxide to survive. If you reduce your carbon footprint, you hurt the plants. You hurt the plants and you screw up the balance between plants and animals. Simple as that. Is that crystal clear?

The Creator provided us with photosynthesis. If you try to reduce carbon emissions, you’re a fool, and as our boy Doug also says, “Every person should oppose this insane attempt to reduce carbon dioxide.” He says sagely that “there is no rational reason to violate the unalienable right of plants to have carbon dioxide.” There you go. Plants have rights! Inalienable rights. And if you take that away from them, you hurt the animals too. Plus us!

You really can’t argue with the logic Doug is presenting. True Law. Photosynthesis. Even got old Cicero on his team. Leave well enough alone, the world will be just fine. All I know is I hope Doug keeps sending those letters into the newspaper. The rest of my paper has gotten repetitive and boring. Meanwhile as Doug and the Brits say, Keep Calm and Carry On. Maybe breathe on your houseplants more often too.

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