The Skeeter Daddle Diaries

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So okay, the President was wrong about this coronavirus thingy being a hoax. I know, he said he was on top of this pandemic way before anybody else. Meaning, I suspect, he realized fairly soon the hoax wasn’t a hoax and the virus wasn’t a cold. And yeah, he was off by a bit on opening up businesses and churches by Easter. He didn’t say which Easter, did he? The man is trying to put an optimistic spin on this plague, how can you fault him for that? If he looks like a cheerleader at the beginning of the bubonic, well, give him high marks for trying to rally the team. Even if they are coughing up lungs. Someone’s got to encourage us to try harder!

Just because he doesn’t practice social distancing himself and refuses to wear a mask to protect others, c’mon, that would just give folks watching the appearance that he’s afraid of a little virus. He wouldn’t even have himself tested in the beginning. No germ is gonna make him crawl!! The rest of us, those tests are coming any day now. We might not even need tests once that vaccine gets distributed. Any day now, he’s been telling us, and I know, some of you fault him for unwarranted optimism, but would you rather he told you the truth, that a lot of you and your family will probably die before that kind of discovery is made? It’s why he tells you that quinine treatment looks very very promising. It’s why he tells us a relatively untested vaccine is coming Soon. It’s why he suggests we look into drinking toilet bowl cleaners and disinfectants and maybe even shine a UV trouble light up our asses. Not because he really thinks it’s a good idea, he just thinks it might be a good idea … and then everybody jumps all over him when idiots take him seriously and drink Lysol. You can’t blame him for people’s stupidity and for godsake don’t say they voted for him so they get what they deserve, all right?

When he said Liberate Michigan! Liberate Virginia! he didn’t mean start a revolution, he just wanted to support the folks trapped in their houses with the mizzus and the rugrats. He didn’t mean what he said and he doesn’t say what he means. You could read it anyway you want, I guess, but why not be charitable? When that Georgia governor threw open the doors and returned to pre-pandemic normal, didn’t Trump berate him for idiocy? Consistency is for fools who never want to be re-elected, trust me on that one.

Course now he wants to bring the kids back to school this fall. Kids, he says, don’t really get the Covid. Positive thinking, see what I mean? He told you if the number of deaths in this country stayed below 60,000, he would declare it a victory. Now that we’ve passed that number, actually 3 times the 60,000 and more coming every day, he finally can tell you his team, Pence and Kushner and the boyz, well they kept that number from being in the millions. You didn’t need to hear how dangerous this pandemic thing was back in the beginning, but he knew. He knew before anyone else. And that, in case I have to spell it out, is what makes a great Leader. Mission Accomplished! Now go on out and party with a bunch of your friends.

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One of our newspapers gives the Covid stats county by county each and every day. For a long time our county, Island County, had 11 deaths. A few weeks ago it surged to 12. Uh-oh, we thought, the spike has finally hit, time to hunker down even more, avoid all outside human contact, wear a mask even around each other. But then, miraculously, a few days later the number of deaths returned to 11. This week the number suddenly shot up to 13, a percentage rise that looked like Brazil or what’s about to hit Sturgis, South Dakota after the Harley Rally. We started locking the doors, bolting windows and avoiding each other.

The other day I noticed the death toll had reverted back to 11. You can imagine the toll this roller coaster ride is taking on our mental equilibrium, which, in my case at least, was already suffering plague vertigo. What I suspect, and I’m sure my conspiracy theorist cronies will agree wholeheartedly, is that the dead are rising up, returning to life and possibly being secreted away to some Deep State laboratory for further study or horrible experimentation. Or both!! That, or the Covid virus is something that escaped from government labs working on a plague that makes zombies of its victims, probably Republican zombies if my guess is correct.

That’s right, the Undead are going to vote! Mail in, walk in, whatever it takes. And worse, they’re no doubt among us now, infecting the population, killing them then bringing them back to life. Or some semblance of life. Republicanism is the new Zombie-ism. If you don’t believe it, check Qanon for proof. It’s all there, the quotes from doctors at the Z Lab, statistics of the death toll’s shrinking totals, the irrefutable studies by bots in the think tanks, all of it. Don’t just believe me, believe the Q!

The GOP convention is ongoing now. The President promises huuge surprises. I hate to give you a spoiler alert, but … no one will die very long of Covid under his watch. He has the Lazarus Cure, far better than any vaccine that would probably cause autism or worse. The newly undead will be forever grateful as should we. No doubt he’ll have their vote. Undertakers, maybe not.

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