The Skeeter Daddle Diaries

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When I was a kid, I don’t remember the weather folks being quite as apocalyptic as they seem to be now. Snowmageddons, polar vortexes, macrobursts, haboobs, thundersnows, bomb cyclones, firenadoes — the weather is not your friend these days. Is it because every weather event other than mist or sunny days is now attributed to climate change? Every flash flood, blizzard, hurricane, tornado and earthquake is usually followed by the obligatory addendum that the weather is becoming more unpredictable because of global warming. What we used to call where I came from, ‘variable’, a term we used facetiously to make the obvious point that weather changes about every day. A rainstorm rolled in after an afternoon of sun, we said, ‘sure is variable, this weather!’ We just never knew what was around the corner.

Now we keep records. We have satellites in geosynchronous orbit to keep an eye in the sky for what’s coming next. And we got computer simulations to make pretty accurate predictions days ahead of time. We know that 100 year floods come every other year now, hurricanes crank up to Category 5 more often and twice as fast, the polar vortexes drop further south and the haboobs look like latter day Dust Bowl versions. Last night on our TV weather the meteorologist warned us about temperatures dipping below freezing and, hold on to yer hats, the wind gusts would exceed 10 mph. Be prepared! he cautioned us sternly, this is serious and dangerous.

Seriously dangerous? C’mon, maybe if I go out in my birthday suit and jump in the sprinkler…. But hey, if it were really hazardous to my health, wouldn’t it have a name befitting the monstrosity of the meteorological event, something that would put the fear of god and climate change right into my bones? Category 11 CryoWind maybe. Or Force 7 Chillnado! Do NOT try to reach your car in the driveway, you will be hyperthermed in the time it takes to get your key in the lock. Stay indoors and hope to heaven the power doesn’t go off and you have no furnace to save your lily soft ass. Stay tuned to your television. Public announcements will be made every ten minutes. The news is not good. Bundle up, pray to your god and await further developments. Bombogenesis! The End is Near. If that doesn’t do you in, the pollution haboob will. Have a nice day. And keep your windows rolled up!

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