The Skeeter Daddle Diaries

I guess if protesters are clamoring to have Confederate traitors’ statues removed, the correct response from the White House obviously is to commission new statues to replace the old ones. Why not? Who doesn’t love Davy Crockett? The President no doubt watched those TV shows with Fess Parker, probably should make a statue of Fess too. Or Daniel Boone who ‘killed a ‘bar’ when he was only 3.’ I know plenty of guyz who have closed a bar at only midnight, earlier than 3, probably not heroic enough to get them into the National Garden, I’m betting. Billy Graham is on the list. Everybody loves old Billy, who beget Franklin, who beget the religion of hate. Plenty of folks on that wishlist, some sort of controversial, like Douglas MacArthur, the General who wanted to bomb the Chinese back to the Ming Dynasty. Or Ronald Reagan who was beloved by the Republicans even as he cut deals with the Iranians before he was elected President.

But my purpose isn’t to make the list shorter by questioning the nominees we have now. No, the more the merrier, I say, so let’s add more to the Garden. Why limit our heroes? Why not create a Pantheon of Popularity? If need be, if space is a limiting factor and the White House lawn doesn’t have room for Rushmore sized monuments, we could always downsize a bit, maybe hundreds of bobble-heads lined up by the security fences. Kanye West and Kim Kardashian. The Three Stooges. Stormy Daniels! Definitely Stormy Daniels. Ooh, Rambo, who doesn’t like Rambo? But hey, why should I be the arbiter of national popularity? We could have American Idols winners sculpted, soap opera stars, Academy Award nominees, lottery winners, beauty pageant contestants, NASCAR drivers, even fictional characters. Billy Jack, Rocky, Bullwinkle too!, Donald Duck, Jared Kushner (I know, he’s supposed to be real but he’s practically a plastic cutout now), Rooster Cogburn, Beaver Cleaver, Maynard G. Krebs, hell, the list could go on and on. What a Garden!!! What a Pantheon!!!

Plenty of work here for all those unemployed artists, that’s maybe the best part. Set up a public works project, hire sculptors, put em to work the way we did during the Great Depression. They’ll work for peanuts and fame, count on that. Maybe get the kids working on this too, from grade school on up, plenty of public participation, every parent proud of their little progeny. A Garden of Idol in every town! Forget about Christopher Columbus and those rebel generals, time to upgrade! Time to celebrate new heroes! Every citizen can nominate his or her favorite. Hell, each of us could nominate ourselves. Hero Worship, is that so bad?

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