The Skeeter Daddle Diaries

Jeez, it’s only three days into 2018, three crummy days of religiously trying to ignore the news cycle and the tweets and the incessant rants about whose nuclear buttons are bigger … and I’d been doing pretty good, ya know, not lurching for the nitro to keep my heart from racing toward aortic Armaggedon, when Steve Bannon comes out with his little tell-all. How do you avert your eyes and ears? The knives are out now for real and the clowns are making chopping sounds with their fat white lips. D.C. is a comedy show! No it’s a tragedy! No, wait, it’s a soap opera! Hold on, it’s all fake! Naw, it’s a cartoon show!

Sadly, it’s the United States of Amerriment, a slapstick Punch and Judy that barely stops long enough to give its corporate sponsors time to pass a tax reform bill that gives them millions in breaks. While you were laughing and howling at the latest gaffe, they were fleecing you like the snake oil salesmen they are. But isn’t it worth the Ride?? My god, Bannon’s gems are hilarious. The President goes to bed with a cheeseburger every night at 6:30 with his phone and three TV’s. Melania cried when the Donald won the Presidency. Ivanka is dumber than a brick. But she had a deal to be the first female President. The POTUS attention span is short. How short? He won’t read a one page brief. His handlers tried to tutor him on the Constitution — he made it to the 4th Amendment then left the room. Melania and Trump don’t sleep together! He eats fast food because he’s afraid someone will poison his meals, but not McDonalds’ pre-prepared burgers and fries. Don’t touch his dirty clothes on the White House floor! Don’t change his sheets! Germs, germs, everywhere!!

Congressmen met with psychiatrists to ascertain what level of craziness they had on their hands. Bannon gave it 33% he would be removed via the 25th Amendment for incompetence, about 19 amendments past Donald’s attention span.

Donald, of course, is firing back. Bannon not only was fired, he lost his mind! Says he wasn’t involved in the campaign win, now he will learn how hard winning is without the Trumpster. The President and his lawyers are screaming bloody murder, fake stories, libelous lies!! The liar-in-chief hollering in pain about his treacherous advisors lying! You can’t make this up. You live by the lie, you die by the lie.

And I’m supposed to keep my stupid New Year’s Resolution while this vaudeville show is playing night and day?? Easier to give up smoking. Way easier. And yeah, I know it’s a terrible addiction, these tweets. But if I turn away, I’ll maybe miss the next episode, the one that will make all the others seem banal. All I know, just like the rest of an insomniac audience, it just gets better and better. Drain the swamp? Why, when it’s so darn entertaining?

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