South End Mayoral Election Ends on High Note
A collective sigh of relief could be heard from the South End Diner parking lot to the newly opened Greenworks Medical Marijuana Outlet once the Mayoral Election results came in after the preliminary votes were tabulated at Crab Cracker Election Central. With 17% of the vote tabulated, the Cracker is projecting the outcome of the election for 2012 based on algorithmic models utilizing programs so powerful even the FBI and CIA have subpoenaed our editorial board to turn over our data.
Nevertheless, in one of the most contentious electoral battles in recent history, the mayoral mudslinging campaign has finally come to a conclusion. The ad campaigns, funded by unheard of influxes of cash from Camano Crossroads and the Puget Patriots Political Action Committee, sent a virtual landfill of extremely negative mailers during the final weeks. Perhaps none were more vitriolic than the South End Anti-Newcomer PAC whose incoherent legions of ground troops offended most everyone south of the Mountain View/Dixon divide.
The Cracker Central team found that the last minute write-in candidacies of ‘Two Toke’ Tom Fiehlgud and Colton Harris-Moore were essentially tied for the lead at 43% each (with a margin of error of 22%). Trailing by significant margins were Tweeter Daddle of the 47% Party (7%), Sarah Doolittle of the Do-Nothing Party (4%) and Bubba Frisk the 3rd and his Job Creator Party (2%). The South End String Band received a scattering of write-ins but were disqualified with multiple hanging chads that gummed up the voting machines.
Because Colton Harris-Moore is a convicted felon currently serving time in a federal penitentiary, Cracker Central confidently projects Mr. Fiehlgud as the winner of the South End mayoral contest in an electrifying outcome certain to be studied for generations. Mr. Fiehlgud, , apparently riding the cannabis tsunami of Washington State’s 2012 referendums, was unavailable for coherent comment, but an anonymous spokesperson for his ‘grass’ roots campaign stated in a phone interview that Two Toke was ’higher than a Katmandu Kite’ and would use the powers of his newly won office to promote world peace and galactic understanding between species. “This election,” she stated, “is incontrovertible proof, if proof was needed, that the South End is the epicenter of cosmic consciousness. Long Live Mayor Tom!!”
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