Virtual Artist
Now that we’re living lives totally encumbered by the restrictions of Covid-19, I have been forced to adjust, to adapt, to make the best of a crappy situation. What else can a stained glass artist do? I can’t have an audience of wheezy sneezy art fans standing around my table while I cut glass into exquisite shapes and form them into designs that dazzle the peanut gallery, now can I? No, in case you were hesitating there for an answer.
So I took a page from the sports folks. I’m cutting out cardboard life size figures to arrange around the studio. There’s a cute one of Kurt Vonnegut, waving with a thumbs up. Another of Stormy Daniels, which I can’t tell you about if I want to save my marriage. Barack Obama is smiling from the corner and Robert Duvall is sitting on a horse waving hello. Bruce Springsteen has his electric guitar and Bob Dylan has a harmonica. Both are looking pretty damn interested in this new panel I’m working on. Bonnie Raitt is winking at me. You bet I want to cut glass with her.
America’s pastime has to be enjoyed now at a safe distance. Meaning nowhere close to a stadium. Same will be true of basketball, hockey, football and lawn bowling. Why not art? Every time I cut a piece of glass I have the soundtrack of American Idol and WWF Smackdown blasting approval, just like the baseball stadiums. And if by chance I cut a piece poorly, a groan goes up from the sound system that can be heard across the highway. I need to set up a live feed and a podcast, but money is, after all, an issue, and don’t get me going on lost product sponsorships, I know I’m losing out bigtime.
What this pandemic should teach us is how to adjust to the changing times. Sure, I know no potential client will walk through my studio doors for months, years even, but if baseball can survive with non-paying cardboard cutouts filling its stands that don’t buy tickets, I should be able to withstand a drought. Hell, I don’t have employees making 20 million dollars a year. Not even 20 dollars an hour. My payroll is definitely survivable is what I’m saying. I just have to figure out how to monetize this art show.
Course, that’s always been the problem, hasn’t it? I have artist pals who paint a picture, print 50 to 500 copies, sign half of them as Artist Proof, then sell them online for a nice hefty profit. You think anyone is interested in a 2-D rendition of a stained glass window??? Think again, muchacho. I even thought about making a coffee table book of my public glassworks, full color, annotated, nice layouts, signed even by the artist himself … until I calculated the printing costs, delivery charges, the website hosting and realized each book would cost more than my unemployment checks.
I’ve always maintained no one goes into art to get rich. But none of us realized the phrase ‘starving artist’ might be accurate either. Today I’m making a cardboard cutout of Warren Buffet. He’ll be holding a large check in both hands. And you know, don’t you, whose name will be on it. It’s a start….
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Tags: Cardboard Cutout Fans, Pandemic Profiteering, Warren Buffet and Me