Auto-Brewery Syndrome
Scientists down here in the super secret ultra-secure bio-labs of the South End have discovered a fungus that lives in the gut of a select few that self-ferments carbohydrates into alcohol. This break through, described by Dr. Lacti of the Elger Bay Institoot, opens the portal to untold riches for the savvy entrepreneur who can isolate that particular strain of fungus. Budweiser, he told a reporter from the Crab Cracker, has already shown considerable interest.
“Imagine watching the Super Bowl with all your pals,” the biologist told the Cracker, “and you take a pill then eat potato chips, say, or heavily processed crackers and voila, the carbos ferment immediately. No beer required. None of that gassy, heavy bloated feeling. By half time you’ve probably saved ten dollars. Who wouldn’t choose that?”
Dr. Lacti declined to estimate the cost of the fungi pill, but he said it probably would be a nominal cost. “Unless, of course, Budweiser buys the patent.” When asked to interview one of the subjects of the study, the doctor cited confidentiality concerns, but the Cracker, through intensive investigation, learned that the original source of the breakthrough was Fairlane Freddie who had been pulled over for DUI after a morning breakfast of pancakes with biscuits and gravy at the Diner with the Flatheads, the island vintage car club, when his 1965 Ford Fairlane was seen weaving repeatedly across lanes.
Freddie, a six year member of Alcoholics Anonymous, fought the charge and in the months before his trial, discovered that he had the rare disorder Dr. Lacti was now trying to market. “I gotta tell ya,” Freddie told the Cracker, “I thought they were crazy. Hell, I thought I was crazy. But it turns out I got Auto-Brewery Syndrome. Tell that to the Flatheads. They think I’m distilling in my car. But actually, I’m distilling in my stomach. Weird, huh? I eat a piece of toast, I’m high as a Katmandu Kite. The judge let me off thanks to Doc Lacti, but I’m not supposed to drive on pancakes anymore. Strictly eggs and bacon here on out.”
Down here on the bibulous South End, plenty of my cronies who brew nettle ales are more than a little concerned by this discovery. As Two Toke Tom confessed to me, the thought of ingesting raw nettles, fungus or no fungus, was enough to set him off on a panic attack. “It may be the end of the moonshine era, Skeeter. This damn science, what are they gonna dream up next?” I didn’t have the heart to mention Dr. Lacti was working on a self-vaping cannabis fungus. No point ruining another hobby of his. Life is plenty hard enough on us entrepreneurs.
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Tags: Auto Brewery Syndrome, Beer belly Brewing