The Skeeter Daddle Diaries

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“My granddaughter tells me, get this, I need to call her they.” Fairlane Freddie is stirring another bucket of sugar into his already sucrose saturated coffee. The Flatheads are assembled for their Monday morning soiree at the Diner, vintage cars parked in a line outside that would make a scene in American Graffiti look modern.

“They what?’ Little Jimmy wants to know. “What what?” Fred mutters, ‘what they.” Two Toke stifles a laugh and coughs caffeine into his nose. “ Another educational morning for the unwoke,” he finally manages to squeak after cleaning the coffee off his beard and out of his sinuses. “You never heard of gender neutral pronouns?”

Pretty obviously Fred hasn’t. “What the hell are you talking about? My granddaughter is a girl. Daughter, get it? That makes her a she, not a they. They is plural last time I was taught English.” Little Jimmy asks, “When was that, sixth grade? Times have changed in the past 60 years, Fred. You need to get up to speed. Speaking of which, you drop in that V-8 yet? You been talking about that for years.”

“Screw the V-8, I’m trying to figure out what’s wrong with my granddaughter who thinks she’s not a girl. What does that make her, then?” Jimmy says why don’t you ask her and Fred, shuddering so bad he spills his coffee, admits he’s afraid of the answer. “What if she identifies as a he? Or worse.”

A terrible silence descended on the Diner as the Car Guyz pondered the possibilities. Worse? Holy Hemi, breakfasts sat suspended as they whirled through the horrible potentials. Animals? Cat might be okay, but …? Maybe one of those make-believe things, whatchacallit, an avatar, could be anything, nothing real. A they? Sure, a they.

Two Toke finally interrupted the séance. “She’s just saying, Fred, her generation wants you to quit making assumptions about who they are. She gets to choose, not us old farts.” Fred shook his head. “They, you mean.” TT smiled. “Exactly what I mean. Be glad we’re old, the kids got a complicated world.”

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The mansion down the street burned the other night. This thing was 8 or 10 thousand square feet, large compared to even the McMansions going up around us, a behemoth that has been in progress the last couple years after the owner leveled the old house and began construction on the bluff. Not a bad house, the one they tore down, but hey, why buy a vacant piece of real estate, same as the folks who build next to old firs and cedars, then saw them down. Probably couldn’t find a place already clearcut, I guess. But if you were to ask them, they would all say they moved here for the beautiful trees and forests, just don’t want them anywhere too near.

We don’t get a lot of house fires around here anymore now that most people quit heating with wood stoves so naturally a mansion fire rises right to the top of the gossip grapevine. Did the owner run out of money, couldn’t pay the bills, maybe decide …? But naw, they owned other homes in high priced areas, probably money wasn’t an issue. Did the painters on a Friday night toss rags in a corner and head early down to Happy Hour? Could some environmentalist have taken issue with the Gatsby excess of tearing down one house to build a castle big enough for ten South Enders? Should the Mabana fire station have been manned at night? All these rumors flying around probably could spark another inferno of innuendo and fear mongering. Is there an arsonist among us?

The castle on the north end torched a few years back had a sheet with ELF hand written on it for the fire inspectors to find. Earth Liberation Front, eco terrorists, bad actors wreaking vengeance on those who use too much of the earth’s resources, the price to pay for unmitigated greed. But the investigators ruled that out right away, not ELF’s modus operandi. Probably some unpaid subcontractor, one rumor had it, but in the end, nobody was arrested. And, until now, no other houses were set ablaze.

We may never know what set off that blaze up the road. The burnt out hulk of the mansion stands eerily out in its field, partial walls charred, fireplace still standing, a dystopian vision of things to come? or just a dream deferred? We all hope it wasn’t arson, but we all know too that bad luck can stalk us all. The ruins of that neighbor’s house are stark reminders of our own fragility, that even the rich will not be spared. Course, after the smoke settles and the insurance claims too, we got another few years of hammering and sawing next door.

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The South End has never had a tavern or a bar, at least not a legal one. You might think the Temperance Union was strong down here, righteous keg-busting zealots opposed to strong drink, hoping to keep Beelzebub at arms length across the Camano bridge since the north end didn’t have a tavern or a bar either. Nowadays real estate contracts would require that fact listed on disclosure forms. No Alcohol Within X Miles. For us South Enders, that might be as much as 20 miles. Probably more on the inebriated drive back from Stanwoodopolis or La Conner, missed turns and all.

I suppose Utah has those kind of long distance dry stretches and I’ve been in contiguous counties down in the Deep South that ban sales of spritis. Moonshine thrives in those arid regions. That, or religion. We islanders — at least us bibulous ones — could purchase beer and wine at the original Plaza Grocery and the four other mom and pops, Tyee, Huntington, Elger Bay and Utsalady Stores. Pricey, but factor in the gas expense to get off island, we complained quietly.

The Nestor Brothers brought in the first actual bar around 1990, a restaurant about a mile on the mainline once you crossed the bridge, aptly called the Shipwreck. Which in no time flat became the Hot Spot for diners and drinkers, dancers and drunks, plus cops and DUI’s. The sheriff’s deputies could wait down the road for Last Call, just pick em off one by one. Course back then they had to haul their catch to Coupeville, book em in and drive clear back. You learned to let a few others leave first before exiting that juke joint. Or, like myself, avoid the place at all costs. I’m sure the cops are swell fellows but we don’t need to be on a first name basis.

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Another of our neighbors is selling out, pulling up stakes and heading somewhere more hospitable. Had enough of the Homeowner Association’s prolonged battles, I figure, or maybe just the upcoming water fees, bulkhead repairs and endless surprise expenditures, sort of the trouble with Paradise. The Garden of Eden needs maintenance, the No Trespassing signs need upkeep along with the fences and the barb wire, plus all the weed mitigation, blackberry removal and trail improvements. It isn’t just Adam and Eve, it’s a whole passel of folks with different socio-economic backgrounds, some who think money is water and others who bleed it.

Story of the neighborhood near the end of the half century we’ve lived here. Houses by us run about a million dollars minimum. The one next to us across the ravine fetched a cool 2.1 million, sold in one hour, cash on the barrelhead. I’ve thought about cashing in, take the money and run, go where land is cheap, live the life of Riley somewhere less crowded, no HOA’s, way fewer neighbors, greener grass. Or no grass at all.

Adam and Eve might’ve had that same itch. Tired of all the covenants, the rules and regs, the don’t eat this don’t eat that, do what you’re told and you’ll get along just fine with the landlord. Course they couldn’t just throw up a For Sale by Owner sign, cash in and parlay the loot for another parcel up the road. Paradise is hard to replace for the same price, much less leave without even the clothes on your back. Folks used to do it though, call it the American Myth. Tell the boss, the landlord, the government or the King of England to go to hell, hit the road and don’t look back. You can only take so much.

My neighbor’s had enough. I know he didn’t want to leave. He’d set roots, landscaped his place, remodeled his castle and fell in love with the island. Personally I’m going to miss him. I hope he finds another South End. Hopefully there are still a few left.

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