The Skeeter Daddle Diaries

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Fox and Friends —you got to love these folks, don’tcha? — could hardly believe their war general had scrambled retaliatory jets to make a bloody point to those infidel Iranians after they’d shot down a drone. They were yugely disappointed. Weak, it just made Donald look, well, no other way to characterize it, the kind of guy who would grab himself by the pussy, pardon my Bronx. He needed to make a Point, he needed to spill some blood, he needed to look manly, but no, he’d called back those bombers 10 minutes before they were due to deliver some whup-ass. Weak, just plain Obamaesque. They were sorely disappointed in their Commander-in-Chief.

Now, there is some dispute as to exactly where that drone was shot down. The evil Iranians claim it was over their territory but Fox and Friends know anything they say is probably a bald-faced lie. Not like their Favorite Viewer, not like the President known for fact checking his boasts. The malevolent Iranians claimed to have support for their claim and would show it to the United Nations. Our side, the White Hats, don’t need to provide corroboration. We know they wouldn’t fudge this. Not our way . Not the way of the Man-in-Charge. Fox and Friends know who’s telling the truth and they don’t need no stinking proof. Hannity, always restrained, told Iran (he must think they’re regular fans) Trump would ‘bomb the crap out of them.’ Tough talk from a tough talking head. Jeez….

In the Trump era we don’t really trust government. We don’t trust the lying media, we sure don’t trust Democrats. We don’t believe the FBI or the CIA or the Mueller Report. But if the government says the Iranians shot down that drone over international waters, well, sir, they must be telling the truth. This once. Finally. Who knows, maybe they’ve turned over a new leaf.

John Bolton, our esteemed National Security Advisor, is a bit on the hawkish side. Probably never met a Middle Eastern conflict he didn’t like and one more would be just fine. That last war in Iraq went so darn well he’s spoiling for one next door. We’ve pulled out of the treaty with those nasty lying Muslims that Obama put together to keep them from developing nuclear weapons and now we’re tightening the screws on exports of oil, the thinking being that when the suffering of the populace reaches 11 on the pain scale, they’ll overthrow the mullahs. Worked well in Syria.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say this: I don’t think Trump wants to go to war. He talks a tough talk, but he walks like a guy who’s never had to step into an alley without his attorney to do his punching. He campaigned by mocking George Bush’s brother for his war, his idiot war. He just declared his candidacy for 2020. And somehow I just don’t see One More Endless War as his campaign slogan. Fox and Friends might disagree with me on this one. Wouldn’t be the first time. That’s why they make the big bucks and I write this little blog.

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Maybe you can be forgiven for wanting to stay in bed late with the covers pulled over your head and probably the pillow too. PSO, Political Saturation Overload, a previously undiagnosed malaise that now is approaching epidemic proportions. Take today. Trump tells an interviewer he would gladly accept opposition research from foreign countries despite the fact we’ve spent the last two years investigating Russian influence on his election, ended up with no real proof of collusion, and now he claims he’d gladly work with Norway if they offered up some dirt useful to his re-election. Slow learner? Or someone above the law?

Kellyanne Conway was cited by the government watchdog Office of Special Counsel for violations of the Hatch Act which prohibits such activities as promoting Ivanka’s products or criticizing political opponents running for office next election. Trump claims it’s a ‘free speech thing’ and refuses to fire her. Or obviously ask that she cease and desist.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders resigned, probably because her boss no longer needs a position for press secretary, choosing instead to handle that function by Tweet and interviews with Fox News. She will be sorely missed … but not by very many. The fact that press meetings had virtually ended might have played a small role. Or that Arkansas is in dire need of a gubernatorial candidate who can lie with a straight face while at the same time scowling like Trump receiving his latest poll numbers might make the resignation palatable for her.

Maybe you pulled a second pillow over your ears when the Israelis named their new settlement in Golan after your candidate for Mt. Rushmore, a fitting tribute by Bibi to the man who gave him an American embassy in Jerusalem and offered up his son-in-law as official peace negotiator. Obviously we’re in good hands with real estate developers solving complex geo-political issues. Trump Heights indeed.

If that weren’t enough to keep the snooze button worn out every morning, add the latest Iranian drumbeat to war. It’s comforting to know that the guy who hasn’t got time to read reports, listen to advisors or otherwise avail himself of pertinent information is the same yahoo who will decide what to do in the Straits of Hormuz based on ‘undeniable proof’ the Iranians attacked a couple of tankers. One day it was undeniable they had had mines attached on their hulls by Red Guard scuba divers, next day that ground to air missiles had been fired at drones and hit the boats. I know I don’t need much further corroboration. Until tomorrow when the story changes once more. And I even bet Trump and Kushner have undeniable information on where the Iraqis hid those weapons of mass destruction.

Stay in bed, buddy. To sleep, perchance to dream. The nightmare is what’s waiting when you get up….

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Yesterday Donald Trump advised that he is considering declaring a national emergency for what appears to be chunks of sky falling on uninhabited regions of the United States. ‘If we do not act now,’ the President warned, ‘very huge sections of the stratosphere will hurtle down and destroy our cities. No president before or after me has ever been confronted by an emergency of this magnitude.’

National Guard were diverted from wall building on the southern border to various undisclosed locations to begin the immediate construction of domed shelters in case the sky begins to fall on populated regions of the country. Democrats demanded proof of ‘sky debris’, but the Senate rejected the request, citing grave national emergency and the need for immediate response. ‘Look,’ Sen. McConnell told reporters at a hastily announced press conference, ‘we need to set aside our partisan differences and let the President do his job. Which is protecting the American People. All this talk of impeachment needs to stop immediately.’

Unverified reports of cloud chunks striking the suburbs of St. Louis reached the Capitol this morning as Fox News demanded Nancy Pelosi’s resignation for diverting attention from this existential crisis over ‘a hissy fit’. The White House directed Homeland Security to create a dedicated Sky Watch Department to be the watchdog for what it termed extraterrestrial menace. The President is rumored to be considering Sen. Lindsay Graham to head the newly formed agency, but Congress has stalemated over funding.

This morning the President, in a hastily called press conference, urged all Americans to stay calm. ‘We are very very extremely lucky we have me as Commander-in-Chief, not that know nothing Biden who couldn’t find an umbrella in a hailstorm, a very dim bulb I know for a fact, low IQ, probably has an aide dress him, cheap suit, a sad excuse for a suit really, if you know what I mean and I do. If the sky were falling on his watch, believe me, you’d dig a hole in the backyard and bury yourself. I know I would. The guy’s a total loser. A disaster of a human being. But I’m taking care of this personally. We’re not wasting time talking to fake scientists. If the sky is breaking up, who cares right now why? We need to get protection, not run around looking for reasons why it’s happening.

‘So I’m directing new manufacturing plants to be built across the country, a million jobs, good jobs, more jobs than have ever been created in the history of mankind. One hundred factories to produce helmets. Sky proof helmets, American made helmets. Not the kind like the NFL uses where these unpatriotic knee-takers take a hit in the head and end up with concussions and brain injuries. Not that anyone cares what happens to traitors who won’t stand during the National Anthem, believe me, nobody could care less than me. I’d have them locked up. Lock em up! Lock em up! They shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a football. Unless they play without a helmet, maybe then we’d let them play.’

When reached later for comment, newly appointed Sky Watch Director Graham told reporters from the fake news media he had not heard yet from the President, but White House staff had informed him Homeland Security had assurances from Trump himself that the situation was almost defused. ‘It’s a great relief,’ the Senator stated. ‘Another crisis handled almost before it started. Look up, all of you, the sky is still there. The clouds are still there. Is this a great President or what?’

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The other day I bought a bag of Frito-Lay potato chips and as is my wont from my early reading days as an 8 year old studying cereal boxes, I read the packaging. These potatoes, I was informed in a tidy paragraph written by public relations specialists who had no doubt conducted extensive customer surveys, were FARM-RAISED. Imagine! I’m guessing grown right in the ground. Tractors, fields, insecticides, migrant labor: farm raised. BOLD TYPE. Major advertising feature. The oils used were ‘natural’ too and this was worth trumpeting.

Holy cow manure, Batman, what’s the NEXT big thing in the food biz? Cheetos raised hydroponically? Personally I’m not sure consumers are really ready for food grown in the wild. Bugs, fungus, bacteria, all that creepy stuff a farmer is ill-equipped to handle outside a laboratory or a petri dish. We can grow meat without legs now, protein on a rope, and rumor has it the burger chains are nearing a breakthrough on cloning buns, with or without sesame seeds, directly on to the meat patty grown in secret underground hermetically sealed bunkers of Monsanto and Dow Chemical. You think they’re going to stick a filthy leaf of lettuce or a listeria riddled tomato on their antiseptically pure chemoWhopper? Get real. Not….

This whole Slow Food movement just flies in the face of 21st century culinary logic. We invented TV dinners so we’d have the time to watch more TV instead of wasting countless hours messing with the cooking of raw potentially contaminated food. These purveyors of old school eating call themselves environmentalists, but what about the damage from a bazillion cookbooks printed on paper from slaughtered trees? Next thing you know, they’ll advocate recipes for bark. A backlash is coming, count on that, the next step beyond vegetarianism. Stop eating plants. Stop the killing of carrots. It’s not only cruel, it’s filthy with germs and dirt. So Frito-Lay, nice try. But I’m afraid the world isn’t ready — we’ve turned the corner on 19th century farm products. Work on synthetic broccoli that tastes like Snickers if you want to stay profitable. Hook the kids and you own the future. Next time you need marketing advice, call me first. Save yourself some embarrassment.

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